LETTER TO MY ABUSER

A line was crossed when you began verbally abusing me and you have since stated that I deserved everything I got from you and more. You went on to say that I’m lucky I’m not dead. So it’s abundantly clear that I have been an absolute fucking fool believing that you would someday treat me with anything but disdain. I’ve continued interacting with you because I believed there was someone worth fighting for….I was wrong. That man is gone….because despite what I did or didn’t do which hurt him….he had choices on how to deal with his pain and he alone chose anger over love. He alone chose punishment over forgiveness.

I am no longer the broken, beaten down girl I became back in Corona, and someone who loves me would never believe I deserved what I got nor would they continue to treat me the way you do. I have allowed this bullshit to continue and in turn I’ve consigned your behavior. Well no more. NO ONE deserves to be verbally abused for any reason. NO ONE can instigate verbal abuse or bring it upon themselves. NO ONE deserves to walk on egg shells in fear of someone else’s rage or vicious tongue. There is NO EXCUSE that will ever justify that kind of cruelty. It was a choice…YOUR choice and YOURS ALONE.

I am not an excuse for your angry outbursts. I am not the disdain you feel for me. I am not every vile word you have called me. I am not the cruel statements you’ve made about my Father. I am not your rage. I am not your misdirected anger. I am not your contempt. I am not your hate. I am not your assassinations on my character and integrity. I am not the cause for who YOU have allowed yourself to become…that is yours to own and yours alone.

I AM MARIANNE. I AM THE PROUD DAUGHTER OF A MAN WHO WAS A KIND, LOVING, HUMBLE, GENEROUS AND HONORABLE. I AM NOT PERFECT NOR HAVE I EVER CLAIMED TO BE. I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS. I WILL ALWAYS BE A WORK IN PROGRESS. I AM LOYAL. I AM HONEST. I AM KIND. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM TRUSTWORTHY. I AM AN ADVOCATE FOR THOSE IN NEED. I BELIEVE IN 2nd, 3rd and 4th CHANCES BECAUSE DESPITE ONES POOR CHOICES OR THE CONDITIONS OF THEIR LIFE, UNDERNEATH LIES THEIR PAIN…WHOSE CURE WILL NEVER BE FOUND IN OTHERS CONDEMNATION, BUT IN THE ONLY THING THAT TRULY MATTERS….LOVE. I AM A STUDENT. I AM A TEACHER. I AM HOPE. I AM A MOM. I AM LAUGHTER. I AM A DAMN GOOD FRIEND. I AM SOMEONE YOU WANT IN YOUR CORNER. I AM A CHEERLEADER. I AM A CONFIDANT. I AM ABLE TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THE DARKNESS, BUT I KNOW THERE IS ALWAYS A BETTER WAY…AND EVENTUALLY I WILL FUCKING FIND IT. I AM FORGIVENESS. I AM FORGIVEN. I AM THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD EVEN THOUGH I MAY FALL SHORT SOMETIMES. I AM A VOICE FOR THE MISTREATED. I AM HOPE. I AM A SPIRITUAL BEING HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE. I AM A SEEKER OF THE LIGHT. I AM THE LIGHT. I AM A CHILD OF GOD. I AM ME, AND YOUR OPINIONS ABOUT ME DON’T DEFINE ME. I DEFINE ME, AND I WILL NOT DISHONOR MYSELF BY REMAINING IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU OR ANYONE WHO TREATS ME WITH ANYTHING OTHER THAN KINDNESS, LOVE AND RESPECT. So to make a long story even longer…YOU’RE FIRED FROM MY LIFE or if it makes you feel better…I QUIT. I QUIT US. I QUIT YOU.

When I moved out in November, I left our apartment an empty shell because I was too battered, too broken to fight for what you stole from me and so carelessly left scattered across our bedroom floor…my heart which you shredded, my spirit which you broke and my voice which you silenced. Well today is the day I TAKE BACK MY HEART WHICH YOU FAILED TO PROTECT, MY SPIRIT WHICH YOU FAILED TO LIFT AND MY VOICE WHICH YOU WILL NEVER EVER FUCKING SILENCE AGAIN. THEY WERE NEVER YOURS TO OWN. I WAS NEVER YOURS TO OWN. SO CONGRATULATIONS TOUGH GUY, WITH THE CHEAPEST OF SHOTS YOU KICKED A CLINICALLY DEPRESSED WOMAN WHILE SHE WAS DOWN TO WIN THAT BATTLE, BUT IT SEEMS YOU MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN WHO I TRULY AM, BECAUSE LIKE A PHOENIX I ROSE FROM THE ASHES YOU LEFT ME IN AND I WON THE FUCKING WAR.

IMG_1806-0.JPG